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Anybody there?

Eh hmm. (Taps microphone) Anybody there?

Ruby says this a lot lately. “Somebody there?!” With an upward inflection on the “ere” part of there.

It’s silly (Ruby says this a lot too. Silly.) that I feel the need to address my absence every time I resume writing. I’m pretty sure this is considered bad writing. I’m supposed to just get to it. Oh well.

I’ve been thinking a lot about music lately. I started down a path to do something musical about a year ago actually. I bought a piano. I did a bunch of research on voice teachers and went as far as to email one.

But then I got sidetracked with returning to work. I cheaped out on the piano and, as a result, don’t enjoy playing it much. There was some back and forth with the voice teacher but she dropped the ball, and I decided not to throw it back at her.

So here we are a year later, and I think that’s okay. I think it’s good actually because now I’m in a different place musically. I still want to do something, but that something is different.

I’ve been watching a bunch of YouTube videos of my favorite female singer songwriters performing live. Why have I not done this before??? I’m struck with how connected they are with their music. THIS is what I love about art, about music. The unfiltered expression of emotion.

I, on the unfortunate other hand, have always been petrified of performing. I’ve somehow managed to categorize performances into two categories: absolute perfection or absolute failure. Which is ridiculous. And stifling.

Well friends, I’m now realizing some things.

Nothing is scarier. Of all the things in life at which I can fail, absolutely nothing is more terrifying than music because absolutely nothing is more absolutely ME. I am most vulnerable with music. And this fear of bearing my soul and being rejected is holding me back.

So this year I’m not looking for a voice teacher. I don’t want to wait until I’m “good enough” to do something. I want to focus less on perfection and more on authenticity and connection. This year I want to DO.

I want to write. And I’m slowly starting to do that. I fiddle with melodies as I go about my daily business. I write words. I’ve plunked out a few lines on the piano. They don’t all fit together just yet, but I have faith they will. Or rather, I’m holding out hope that my creativity will pick up all the pieces once I’ve set down the judgment.

I would really like to collaborate with someone or someones else. So I’ve been scanning Craigslist ads. But while I’m prepared to tackle my fear of performing, I’m not yet ready to confront my fear of rape. So I tend to not reply.

Either way, I have a goal. Somewhere. Somehow. Perform a song of my own.

Eh hmm. (Taps microphone). Anybody there? Here we go…

Discussion

10 thoughts on “Anybody there?

  1. I’m here, I’m glad you are back and I look forward to hearing more. I am also afraid of what is most ME, so I totally get the fear.

    Posted by Wendy | April 29, 2014, 5:43 am
  2. This is exciting! I am battling myself often about putting myself out there artistically, it feels very vulnerable. Not doing is the only failure though, at least that is what i try to tell myself!

    Posted by sarah2881 | April 29, 2014, 12:29 pm
  3. KUDOS to you! I agree about live music–the rawness, the authenticity, the connection. Nothing like it! One of my friends is a singer/songwriter/performer, and I still get chills every time I listen to him with just him and his acoustic.

    Posted by Pam | April 29, 2014, 4:46 pm
  4. I have been considering learning piano but it seems like a lot of work. And sitting. I sit all day at real work. Ha!

    Posted by Laura Roberts | April 30, 2014, 6:19 pm
    • Ha! It does require sitting… The work thing has always been my hang up with learning other instruments. I think you just have to recognize and accept that it takes years to actually get good.

      Posted by Laura | May 2, 2014, 12:53 pm
  5. I know you posted this for-ev-er ago, but I’ve been meaning to comment since then and finally remembered tonight after getting the kids to bed. I LOVE this! I’m so incredibly awed and inspired that you’re writing music and willing to perform it live. Music has always been a love of mine, but I can’t even imagine writing my own music. You are aMAZing! Rock on girl! And let us know when your first youtube video is up :)

    Posted by momentsofexhilaration | May 7, 2014, 5:34 pm
    • Ha! Well… I wouldn’t be too impressed just yet. I haven’t actually written or performed yet. Just a really really really scary goal at this point.

      As opposed to what YOU are actually doing with all the query letters. I often try to comment but I generally read blog posts on my phone at random times now and I’m never successful. (This is for all blogs, not specifically yours.) I end up re-writing my comment like 3 times before I give up.

      Anyway, I did want to say that I think putting yourself out there is do incredibly brave. And any rejection days nothing about your abilities as a writer. Although I completely understand that it’s bound to get to you. So keep chugging! I’m gonna buy that book when it comes out!

      Posted by Laura | May 7, 2014, 6:17 pm
  6. Thanks and thanks Tommie Jean! You just made my day! :) We should really get the families together sometime. There’s just too much in common all around.

    Posted by Laura | April 29, 2014, 9:00 am

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